Only Love

We are now in season six of American Idol, one of the most wildly successful TV shows ever. This is one of my favorite shows, and one of the only ones I watch regularly. American Idol is, in essence a super-sized job interview for America s newest sweetheart and pop idol. Why not do your own idol interview to find your next sweetheart or love of your life? The show, and the idols, has been extremely successful, from Kelly Clarkson to the new idol hopefuls.

A rigorous screening process is a trademark of the show s success. Idol takes months to tour the country, make its selections and find its contestants, based

on specific criteria. The process becomes even more challenging from week to week. American Idol is very specific about the qualities its next idol will have: a fantastic singing voice, a commanding stage presence, and a likeable personality.

When it comes to dating, we often don t take the time to do such a thorough search and screening process of potential dates and mates. Why not? Perhaps it is because we are not sure how to go about it. The American Idol TV show may be onto something here. Why not follow their lead and set your own stage for your next relationship? If you can successfully define what you are looking

for, and phase out those who do not work for you. This is one way to reduce heartache and to improve your chances of success. Once you have defined what you need you can go for it!

Here are seven steps to finding a compatible mate, using what I call the American Idol Way or process.

1.Identify the qualities that you are offering and seeking. There is an exchange in any relationship. What will you bring to the table, and what will you receive? Idol hopefuls bring talent, desire, and fortitude to the table, and they have a chance to receive fame, fortune, stardom, and a touring contract. Make a list of

the qualities you possess and those that you are seeking for your candidate and your relationship and lifestyle. Decide what you must have in your ideal relationship, and what will definitely not work for you. Stick to your list!

2.Seek a large pool of candidates from all different places. American Idol candidates go to auditions and work on their singing careers to prepare to audition. Prepare yourself, to be whom and where you want to be for your dating auditions . Join activities in the areas that you most enjoy in order to meet people. There are thousands of activities and interest clubs in your area to join. If you don t put

yourself out there, it will be very difficult to find a mate. You can go online, or to singles events. Look for commonalities and don t waste time with people who are obviously not for you.

3. Pre-Screen the candidates in various situations. Idols are thoroughly pre-screened, with music, without music, and in groups, to see how they function and interact with others. Do the same for your potential dates. Start with a brief meeting over coffee to see if you want to see the person again. Talk about one or two of your important needs. See if you click or enjoy each other s company. If not, it is okay

to say goodbye. If you don’t match, don’t dispair. Remember, you have a large pool of candidates. If you do begin click , then try for a longer date doing something you both enjoy, such as shooting pool or walking around an art festival together.

4. Narrow down your choices. On American Idol, the judges keep looking hard at each candidate during each phase of the process to see if they cut the mustard. Do the same for dating. Look for the quality of life and relationship you are seeking. See if there is physical, intellectual and emotional chemistry between you and your date. Be honest with yourself about

how it is to be with this person before you jump into bed or into a relationship. Keep yourself on track with your original list and dating plan. If you know the person is not for you, then let them go. Say goodbye gently. This way you keep yourself open to other opportunities.

5. Continue to search for your idol match on different levels. As the Idols go through different rounds, the criteria get very specific. The judges and the public become less forgiving and tougher with their standards. Everyone wants the best, elevates those through voting, and eliminates those who don’t meet the standards. Do the same for your dating relationships.

Why settle, when you can have everything you desire? As you go through the interview process, look for red flags or warning signs. You can end the relationship as needed if the person is mean or does not match with your life plan. If there is compatibility, keep going!

6. Experience the person in different situations over time. Simon, Paula, and Randy (the Idol judges) look at the candidates and debate over a period of weeks and months intensively. They do not give an idol a record deal on the first, second, or third date! In the same fashion, take your time when dating someone new. Don t let the rush of

infatuation have you moving in or walking down the aisle right away. See how the person interacts in different situations, such as with your friends, and family members. It is important that your date or met gets along with the your friends and family. After all, you live in a community and not in a vacuum, and isn’t it nice to have harmony? I always recommend to my singles-coaching clients that they take at least a year to get to know someone before deciding to become committed or serious with the person. Over time both of you will experience each other s true personality and habits, and whether or not these are liveable.

7.

Decide who gets your vote. Who is the best choice is for you? Just as Simon, Paula, and Randy and the American voters decide who will progress through each phase of American Idol, you can do the same in dating! Just as the Idol judges don t always agree, you and your support system may not agree. Experience, communicate, give feedback and decide who goes to the next round. This is your life we are talking about after all! Ask for feedback from your support system. In the end, the best idol candidate is usually selected for the criteria they have set. I hope the same will be true for you.

Some final thoughts about dating the American Idol Way: How is your Idol hopeful s personality? Does it compliment yours? Does the person have similar life goals and purposes as you do? Do you have chemistry and romance as well as intellectual and emotional connection? Are you compatible on all the levels that count? Go back to your original list and make sure there is a total connection. I am currently finishing a compatibility quiz book to help people to define whether or not they are compatible. If not, then it is okay to let go. If things are going very well, then it is okay to go to continue and explore deepening your commitment.

If you are looking for a serious and fulfilling romantic relationship, it is much better to have a system then to leave things to chance. Imagine American Idol just picking someone out of a hat. That would not work too well, would it? You can use the American Idol Way to help you find your prospective date or mate. Instead of picking names out of a hat, you can also sign up for a singles class or singles coaching that can help you to learn and implement this process. I hope that your relationship will be just as successful as the winners of American Idol will. You deserve

a mate who is just right for you, and to enjoy a partnership that will enhance both of your lives for years to come!

Krista Bloom is a counselor and coach who teaches singles and couples to go from surviving to thriving. She helps people in person and on the phone to have healthier happier intimate lives. Check out her website, free articles, and workshops at http://www.healingcouch.com. You can e-mail her questions or feeback at [mailto:krista@healingcouch.com]krista@healingcouch.com or call her to set up an appointment.